Saturday, September 25, 2010

You always wanted to do this. I did.

I apologize for nothing.

Sometimes one of the two chicken ovens were broken so that means there are 40 chickens every 2 hours instead of 80.  Which means when we run out (about a half hour after they're done) I'm asked literally every two minutes "When are the chickens going to be done?"

At first I used to go over once, then estimate the remaining time until they actually come out. It didn't work very well for two reasons-

1:  They'd come back every five minutes asking 'how long now?' like some eight year old in the back seat during a road trip.

2:  To be honest, I suck at judging time when it comes down to a span of two minutes.  And yes- that matters to those savages. 

So now I set the timer and - through complex math that those animals never seemed to take upon themselves- figured out the time they'd be done (So 4:35 instead of 'In 45 minutes')  so they'd only ask once and everybody wins... except the people who can't figure out what time it is- but that's besides the point.

I tell you that so that I can tell you this.

Some VULTURE of a woman comes up to me and asks, "When will the chickens be ready?"

"12:40 ma'am" and I continue to help the customer I'm serving.
"You said they'd be ready in forty minutes, an hour ago!"
"No I didn't ma'am."  I indifferently replied.
"YES YOU DID!  ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?!"  This savage exploded.  This grown woman yelled at the top of her voice on an otherwise pleasant weekend afternoon.

Now I couldn't resist calling her on it.  Besides, they were coming out in about ten minutes so a crowd of maybe six people was forming to get them when they first come out.  Plus I had a pretty big line getting cold cuts.  I can never resist an audience.

"Ma'am" I curtly explained "I most certainly  did not tell you that they'd be done in forty minutes, an hour ago and I most certainly am calling you a liar.  Do you know how I know that I didn't?  I don't give people a countdown.  Like I just gave you I give people the time they come out.  So yes you are a LIAR.  I have NO idea WHY you would lie about something so trivial.  You're a grown woman throwing a tantrum because you can't get your chicken this very instant!  WHAT was your aim?!  Are you trying to make yourself feel better by talking down to and bullying an employee who you thought would just take your CRAP?!"

My only coworker that morning was Tyrone, who was off in an alcove putting labels on boxes for the chickens.  So his voice just shouts from seemingly nowhere "YEAH!"

The line and the crowd are all staring at her- some people laughing slightly.  She turns red and demands to see a manager, and being the sporting fellow I am, I go to the phone on the wall and make an announcement for him "Brian come to the deli, Brian to the deli" but I mumble and hold the phone too close so it sounds more like "Bra nana na, Bra nana na?"

So while we wait chickens come out and I finish my line and we're still standing there and eventually Brian strolls by on his rounds (He's well dressed with a nametag so he's obviously a manager.)  and she flags him down and demands that I get fired.  So he turns to me and asks if I had anything to say, pretending to be shocked and with a 100% straight face I say

"This virago insulted my honor.  I defended it, sir."
(A sidenote:  One of my favorite pastimes is using big words to either confuse customers or directly insult them to their faces without them knowing it.  Go on, tell your mother she looks absolutely voluminous today with a smile on your face and she'll thank you.)

So now she thinks she's got something to latch onto.
"See?  He's calling me names in front of a manager!  Fire him this instant or I'm going over your head!"

To which I break in, "Ma'am, a virago is a loud woman in a foul mood.  It's not name calling it's a vocabulary.  So either you aren't yelling at me or you aren't angry."

She wrote an email saying she's never going to BJ's again and yada yada "never in my life" blah blah blah and I got a 'sitdown' from human resources but they just laughed at my story.

I still see her every Saturday and I ALWAYS greet her with an obnoxiously polite "HELLO!" and a HUGE smile.


  1. I have always wanted to do this. Unfortunately I have anxiety and always freeze up in these kind of situations. Luckily I've only had very few of them.

  2. I never want to work with food, never.

  3. Nice. I think Ill be following you now. lol.

  4. Your co-worker's name is Tyrone and he works with chicken?

    Never saw that coming.

  5. I would just like to say that you are awesome.

  6. Cool story, Bro.
    But seriously being the smarter person in an argument always feels good. Well played.

  7. I know exactly how you feel... ;-;

  8. Interesting read, i'll check back daily!